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Heavy / Delicate

by postjoy

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1.
2.
Third Eye 04:00
Trying to un-furrow your brow Stroke your third eye with my thumbs Trying to be in the here and now Holding all the infinite outcomes Trying hard to read your mind And all the language on your face Trying to make it all feel right As we drift through time and space Ring-a-round—the-rosies A pocket full of posies Ashes, ashes We all fall down I wish I had a time machine So you could remember me The way I was, before all this Before the shit I don’t know why My hearts beating out of my chest Can’t slow it down No I think I’m fine
3.
I feel like Sisyphus Throwing fits Watching this boulder roll away I’ll try again As I begin It feels so heavy How’d it get this heavy The weight I can feel it’s weight It could crush me I could let it crush me Feels like paralysis I’m not okay with this Loop of my fuck ups on replay No matter what has been We can’t shed this skin Just like an elephant It’s heavy delicate Try to separate Me from my mental state Dodging mind debris I can’t let it crush me Alright, already we’ll all float on The end of paralysis I was a statuette Now I’m drunk as hell On a piano bench When I press the keys It all gets reversed The sound of loneliness Makes me happier (Anyway don’t be a stranger) Alright, already we’ll all float on Even if things get heavy We’ll all float on
4.
Proper Nouns 04:03
Goosebumps on my skin Charcoal clouds are rolling in Impending overflow Crape myrtles making hot pink snow Warm like bathtub gin Watch my golden spiral tail spin A break from the routine Watch the radar on the screen Red and gold and green Just like the autumn leaves Charcoal clouds, whatever I said Looming overhead Thought I had something more to say But it looks like rain Heavy rain Can it wash away The weight Looming overhead The dread My broken brain Heavy rain Can it wash away The weight Looming overhead Still pulling threads In vein Heavy rain Can it wash away The weight Like the head that wears the crown I will let you down Trying to stay sane Heavy rain Like the head that wears the crown I will let you down Reword the Refrain Heavy rain Since band names were proper nouns I will let you down No one else to blame Heavy rain Time and time again Metaphors wearing thin Cliché just like pain And heavy rain
5.
Wild Sheep 03:13
I can’t think too hard about it Or else I can’t breathe Need tiny white pills To help me fall asleep Starring at the ceiling My heartbeat feels all wrong Racing like a killer Change the tempo to the song Counting wild sheep This life’s a balance beam Some poise to grow into Just hope I don’t crack up And you’ll love me if I do If I do I can’t think too hard about it Or else I can’t move The weight is set too high Needles worn down the grooves Try to reassure my self More like string myself along Self awareness, rapid cycle It goes on and on and on Finally asleep When I’m sleeping I don’t dream Or I don’t remember that I do Just hope that I wake up In the morning next to you Next to you
6.
Clawing our way back to consciousness You’re like Lazarus in a nightdress I’m drowning in sea of sheets Find your face, kiss your cheeks Sunrise sky You and I Wilder, Woods And Domesticated wolves Wide awake New bouquet Everyone fed and medicated Start the day Lists with checks that we call progress Organized chaos a gorgeous mess The same record on repeat Little visionary in the backseat Sunset sky You and I Wilder, Woods And Domesticated wolves Tired eyes Fireflies Watch until their light has faded To end the day Nighttime sky You and I Books are read The boys in bed Nighttime sky The stars are bright In this moment Everything’s alright
7.
8.
Overjoyed, overflow Overreact, overthrow Overwhelming, overblown Overthinking, overgrown Tell me all about your fever dreams While your sweating through the sheets Is someone pressing on your jeans Or are you running from police? Understanding left unsaid Underachiever, underfed Under god, in my head Under blankets Checking for monsters under beds Tell me all about your fever dreams Are you replaying your defeats Watching from the nosebleed seats Or are you finding inner peace? Tell me all about your fever dreams While your sweating through the sheets Is someone pressing on your jeans Or are you running from police? We’re reaping what we’ve sown Now the garden is overgrown Just trying to make it through the night Up before first light
9.
***
10.
Circa 2008 I feel Nostalgic for that sound Time and time again I will only let you down Back in our hometown Gone for a decade back a couple years With the streets I remember And the same old fears This town is… It’s Ugly elegant Woke up the world’s all rearranged A happy accident Found that the meaning hadn’t changed Circa 2021 bought ourselves A few acres of sacred land Try to be holy through osmosis Or just raise our boys with less blood on their hands Now You’ve lived through all my references The songs increasingly hard to hear Exactly How many times do you need to rehash the same old fears Is it a happy accident? If you find the meaning hasn’t changed Well that’s irrelevant If you can’t keep the subject in the frame I don’t know who this is even for Digging up the past, pairing it with the new For the sake of continuity ? Or just something that feels true? And… Ugly elegant Look back at what we overcame This feeling’s infinite The weight, the joy, the counterclaims Heavy delicate Heavy rain, and an open door Some kind of sacrament Baptized in torrential downpour
11.
I don’t know where this is gonna go I just keep digging holes Until I know Rewriting the same song Over again Recycle the same chords Rearranging what’s been Is there something I missed The first time around? Or the second or third ? Where are you now? I’m reworking the same shit Rewording the same doubts Holding tight to this pain Like it’s a rope to pull me out I don’t know where this is gonna go I just keep digging holes Until I know Wrote a song to our broken house You thought is was for you Reread every word Don’t know what got misconstrued If you want your own verse Travel back in time Leave me a few memories Or bedtime nursery rhyme When I met my own son Held his hand in my hand All the pretext every excuse I no longer understand I don’t know where this is gonna go I just keep digging holes Until I know / Holey sediment Before all of this I can’t think too hard about it That’s irrelevant A happy accident Some kind of sacrament It’s Ugly elegant It’s Heavy Delicate Just trying to make it Just like an elephant Sun rise sun set This feeling’s infinite It meant something didn’t it? Didn’t it?

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released March 31, 2023

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postjoy Waco, Texas

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